Christmas Memory | My father is a...

From January, 2014

Our daughter Kate told a story at Christmas that, for Susan and me, summed up a lot that we've been thinking and talking about together.

A young friend told Kate she was struggling with a prominent thread among Christians in her social media connections: "I am a princess, because my Father is the king of kings." Of course there was merchandise involved because nothing says princess like a little pink t-shirt.

The young woman found all this off-putting, though she couldn't put a finger on just why. “Am I wrong?” she asked, “Do I just not get it?”

"Oh, sweetie, no," Kate told her, "you're not wrong. In fact, wouldn't it be more accurate to say, "I am a servant, because my father is a servant"?

There may not be a sizable market for that t-shirt. It's a lot to live up to. But wouldn't it be something if households and streets and schools and playgrounds and performance spaces and youth groups were teeming with little servants learning to understand and embrace their identity and calling to follow Jesus? Wouldn't that be something like Christmas?

Ahh! | Crisis HelpSheets for Youth Workers

I see a lot of Facebook pleas from youth workers who just got a call from a parent or teenager in a crisis....

Ahh! I have a parent coming to meet me in an hour — her daughter was molested ... they need help now ... what do I do!!!

This is not, it turns out, a good time to recommend a book — or even a chapter in a book. 

When the clock is ticking, the right amount of help, offered right now, is worth more than a crisis master class next month.

That’s why I launched Crisis HelpSheets for Youth Workers — because sometimes what a person needs is a one-page download with enough information to get through the day.

Crisis HelpSheets for Youth Workers Cover

— what to look for

— what to ask about

— what to do first

— what to do going forward

The life-or-death Crisis HelpSheets are free — the are just $2 each.

PRO TIP: You can wait for that panicky phone call from a parent with a teenager in crisis … OR … you can download a double-handful of Crisis HelpSheets right now and put them in a folder for when you need them, so….

BRO TIP: If you’re in a social network with folks who care for teenagers, tell them about Crisis HelpSheets for Youth Workers. They’re not gonna hate you for that.

I got your respect right here…. Raising Adults

[This week, Verlyn Giles, an extraordinary coach and human being, was inducted into the Leon High School Football Hall of Fame in Tallahassee Florida. Here’s what I wrote in Raising Adults about how Verlyn and a few other remarkable adults shaped my life back in the day.]

When I was a boy, my uncle, Bryant Kendall, my coach, Verlyn Giles, my high school principal, Robert Stevens, a youth worker named Shuford Davis, a campus worker named Bob Norwood, and more teachers than I can count. They listened to me and took my ideas seriously. They asked good questions. They talked straight. They gave me training and responsibility. My uncle helped me learn to mow lawns before my parents allowed me to touch anything with a motor at home. I had teachers who encouraged me to think outside the box and helped me learn to sort my thoughts and express them directly and economically. Verlyn Giles helped me learn to think and communicate under pressure and taught me to value ingenuity and skill over brute force. Bob Norwood asked questions that encouraged me choose between good and better. Shuford Davis engaged with me even though I was not part of his youth group, asking questions that caused me to address spirituality with my mind as well as my heart.

    Respect isn’t empty-headed acceptance of any and all behavior. Respect grows from the acknowledgment that all of us are in process. We’ve learnedeverything we know so far, and we have quite a bit more to learn before we’re done.

    Respect acknowledges that what’s obvious to one person may not be a bit obvious to someone else. And that’s a very good place to begin the conversation.

And isn’t that what life is all about, the ability to go around back and come up inside other people’s heads to look out at the damned fool miracle and say: oh so that’s how you see it!? Well, now, I must remember that.

—Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine, William Morrow, 2001, page xiii

    Shaming is a monologue. Respect is a dialogue. The surest way for me to show respect is to ask honest questions and listen carefully until, whether or not we agree, the other person is pretty sure I truly understand.

— from Raising Adults by Jim Hancock

BROWSE FRAGMENTS FROM RAISING ADULTS
BUY RAISING ADULTS

in the wind | tweets from the space ending 07.19.14

Out of control | when people really know how to read, they're hard to dominate 
http://bit.ly/1zzdcO5

dignity | Archbishop Desmond Tutu on 'assisted dying' http://bit.ly/1wmih8b 

falling | US birthrates for 15-19 year-olds 
jimhancock.blogspot.com 

'Wimpy Kid' author's six tips for getting grade-schoolers hooked on reading http://bit.ly/1u3EKuK 

falling | US birthrates for 15-19 year-olds

2013 birth rates for US 15-19 year-olds fell to historic lows in every racial and ethnic population. 

Centers for Disease Control

In related news, a trend that goes against some narratives that contrast urban and rural life: Teen birth rates in rural counties are higher, and declining more slowly, than urban centers and suburban counties, regardless of race and ethnicity.

in the wind | tweets from the space ending 04.21.14

Dear Man in Prison | a letter from Mary Demuth to the sexual predator for whom there is yet hope 
http://bit.ly/1oyg9f6

puff | 27-nation study found 15-yr-olds most likely to have tried e-cigs in 2012 http://thebea.st/1qozezY 

for purity or power? | Iraq/Syria conflict recalls a century plus of "Christians" killing "Christians" in Europe Europehttp://atfp.co/TawxnH

punchline | love the sinner but... jimhancock.blogspot.com

for the record | the story behind last week's 'apps teens actually love' story http://bit.ly/1jGbH6r

discuss | The Guardian's Seven Digital Deadly Sins jimhancock.blogspot.com

in the wind | tweets ending the week of 03.01.14

the new apostles creed | what orthodox Christians have always believed jimhancock.blogspot.com

Interview | It's Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens | Danah Boyd http://bit.ly/1c0YLUW 

Demanding | a small idea from Raising Adults 
jimhancock.blogspot.com

@FrDark ! How did I miss this new(ish) novel!

affirming | a small idea from Raising Adults jimhancock.blogspot.com

​@DarrellIssa Light the future of 50M Africans @ONECampaign @HouseForeign 
http://t.co/ZLg0XEUjh7

Just back from Dominican Republic with @Compassion. I salute all who serve poor folk, but dang! Compassion is SO good at lifting people up.

affirming | a small idea from Raising Adults

I don’t like it a bit when adults treat teenagers like children. But in my estimation, demanding more than people can possibly deliver is even more toxic than under-challenging them. In a reasonably healthy environment kids will rise to life’s challenges. Children want to learn and grow because learning and growing are stimulating and fun. But real learning and growth are retarded in an overly demanding environment where failure is intolerable. If failure is unacceptable, trial and error learning is right out as a learning strategy and kids resort to  bluffing, compliance, docile repetition, and playing it safe. What could be less challenging, and ultimately more useless than that? There’s got to be a better way...

I recommend you do at least this: For the next 30 days, refuse to be overly demanding with your child, just to see what happens. Beyond that, if you have the imagination and energy, I’m convinced that affirming is better by far than simply not demanding.

Affirming looks at a behavior or a process and responds with a constructive, concrete endorsement: You did that well. I admire your work. Congratulations on a job well-done. Affirming how a child performs isn’t connected to whether she is nice, pretty, smart, or good. Affirming is more objective than that.

It’s also more specific. You’re really fast! isn’t nearly as good an affirmation as You sure ran a good race! Can you tell me how you knew when to start your sprint at the end?

Affirming begins with honoring excellence, then continues by inviting interaction. Affirming is independent of outcomes. It isn’t necessary for a child to win the race for her to be affirmed for her skill and dedication as a runner. So affirming is more realistic than demanding (which stands at one end of the spectrum) and praising (which stands at the other end). In this case, both extremes are unhealthy.

Demanding <—— Affirming ——> Praising

Demanding | a small idea from Raising Adults

Adults who are overly demanding routinely criticize children for not being more adult. The expectations these men and women have are too high and too immediate for children to live up to for the simple reason that they are adult standards.

There’s nothing wrong with appropriately high standards. Little kids can toddle; most can’t run. Hormone-challenged young adolescents can use their heads beautifully; most don’t reason effectively 100% the time—not yet, though as every parent knows it’s just a matter of time, health, and training…oh, wait, come to think of it, I don’t reason effectively 100% of the time, so….

I never heard an adult criticize a toddler for not being able to run. I guess there’s something about the size and shape of those little bodies that tells us it’s too soon for sprinting. By the same token, maybe something about the size and shape of adolescent bodies sometimes fools adults into expecting and demanding too much, too soon.

Adolescence is an inflection point—a period when people embody both the child and the adult in them. A teenager can be startlingly grown-up about one thing and strikingly childish about the next. I once shot an interview in the bedroom of an alcohol-abusing 14-year-old. As she told stories of blackouts and close calls, plush toys looked on from a shelf behind her. The harrowing tales and stuffed animals were both true expressions of her life at that moment.

This Jekyll and Hyde quality is why once upon a time, the State of Florida required extensive driver education and testing before entrusting me with a machine capable of hurtling down the highway at speeds in excess of eighty miles an hour. Okay, I was driving an 11-year-old VW Karmann Ghia with a top speed of 50mph on a downhill straightaway—had there actually been a sustained downhill straightaway in Florida. But you get the point: We require evidence of  reasonably serious intent, judgment and skill before we hand over the keys. 

In a similar vein, we seek to limit access to alcoholic beverages and most other psychoactive substances by children and adolescents not because we’re holding out on them but because the medical evidence suggests these intoxicants may disrupt adolescent development—and nobody want to prolong the transition into full functioning adulthood. 

in the wind | tweets from the week ending 01.25.14

Mommy's little hacker | apps that help kids learn to understand and write code http://bit.ly/1dhPln5

4 seldom-said reasons Martin Luther King was a remarkable leader http://bit.ly/1ak6uCt the audio at the bottom is really something 

read it yourself | Martin Luther King's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech http://jimhancock.blogspot.com/2014/01/read-it-yourself-martin-luther-kings.html 

In the wind | tweets from the week ending 01.11.13

read it yourself | Sexting and Sexual Behavior in At-Risk Adolescents | Journal of Pediatrics http://bit.ly/1lPosfG

Christmas Memory | My Father is a...
http://jimhancock.blogspot.com 

what do you teach your youth group?

 http://bit.ly/1lFDF5H [h/t Delancyplace]

read it yourself | CDC guidelines for managing food allergies in schools (+ youth camps!) http://1.usa.gov/1dW2Ltl

7 Media-Savvy Skills for Parents from Common Sense Media http://bit.ly/JM6MWo 

in the wind | tweets from the week ending 01.04.14

what the duck! | why Phil Robertson recommends marrying under-age girls 
http://slate.me/1h9DI9u [h/t Slate]

11 sites + apps that draw kids beyond Facebook + why http://bit.ly/JHKeW1 #youthwork #parent [h/t common sense media]

the closing of the year 
http://jimhancock.blogspot.com

Everyone's a Biblical Literalist Until You Bring Up Gluttony Rachel Held Evans [h/t Mike DeVrieshttp://huff.to/JHPXvb

have yourself a merry little Christmas [h/t Apple]

Maybe especially with kids, things are not always as they seem.

in the wind | tweets from the week ending 12.14.13

Listen Fast: Do Digital Natives Exist? http://bit.ly/1gskk7c

the affluenza defense | 4 dead; the drunk driver gets probation http://cnn.it/1gsX8FU

I've got your Santa right here Ms. Kelly http://jimhancock.blogspot.com 

is sorrow enough? | wringing our hands over gun violence http://jimhancock.blogspot.com 

in the wind | tweets from the two weeks ending 11.30.13

HoHoHo | Gift ideas (books, movies/tv, apps, games + music) for kids 2-6, 7-12 + 13-17 from Common Sense Media http://bit.ly/1b6fQAQ 

the Batkid should lose his health insurance http://jimhancock.blogspot.com 

the common good | why the guy who "created" the # didn't seek a patent 
http://b.qr.ae/1b6iTZU

finishing what we started | making good on unintended consequences http://jimhancock.blogspot.com 

Nickelodeon study: 8 out of 10 kids say they wish they could spend more time with their parents http://bit.ly/1eoKlkh

sustainably interesting | This Black Friday, Repair, Don't Buy, Says Patagonia http://bit.ly/1iOKYqn

Just back from a remarkable experience with 3k+ youth workers @ #nywc in Nashville. I never tire of this tribe. Thanks @YouthSpecialties

A Proclamation + Invitation to Thanksgiving by Abraham Lincoln | 1863 http://jimhancock.blogspot.com 

in the wind | tweets from the week ending 11.16.13

E-cigarettes on the school yard 
http://wapo.st/1d3wB1b 

with apologies to G.K. Chesterton | sometimes good things are difficult 
http://jimhancock.blogspot.com

will wary advertisers risk Snapchat for a shot at reaching Teens? http://bit.ly/1agCzZ5

to life! | a pretty good start 
http://jimhancock.blogspot.com

Samuel L. Jackson's work is (mostly) not suitable for young children | + he knows it

Everything is Samuel L. Jackson's Fault from Samuel L Jackson      

[h/t Common Sense Media + Funny or Die]

bossing v partnering [part ii] | a small idea from Raising Adults

The opposite of Bossing is Partnering. A partner asks for help when she needs it, seeks insight from others, makes room for differences in style, doesn’t make a big deal out of things that don’t really matter. 

A Boss turns into a Partner when he comes to believe his way isn’t the only way. Or when he reaches the end of his rope. Or both. When there’s too much work and not enough time. When he’s sick or double-booked or overwhelmed or just plain worn out. Most Bosses hold out as long as they can. But very few can hold out forever. Life’s too complicated. Once that time comes, the biggest question is whether there’s anybody left to Partner with.

The Boss may have done so much relational damage that no one wants to help. Why put myself on the line for someone who’s going to criticize me for not being him? He’s already made it perfectly clear that I’m inadequate for the job. 

On the other hand, if I love my Boss (and if it’s my parent or spouse there’s a pretty good chance I do) I may be willing to help when he really needs it. 

All he has to do is ask.

Asking for help and really meaning it spells the end of Bossing. And most reformed Bosses never look back because Partnering is simply more inviting for everyone involved, more fun, more profitable, more energizing.

Partners learn to relish a few extra minutes of drive time if those minutes can be used to nurture a relationship. 

Partners don’t mind not getting every plate and glass into the dishwasher if it means standing next to a child and chatting while they wash a few pots and pans together. 

Simply put, Partners place more value on people than precision.

I’m not saying there’s no place for the pursuit of perfection. I want a surgeon committed to zero defects in her team. But there’s no place for perfectionism in human relationships. When we’re talking about household chores, or getting across town, if someone gets it wrong, nobody dies. What’s the big deal that’s worth alienating our children over how the dishes get washed?

Next time you realize you just freaked out over a detail that was—in the grand scheme of life—less than nothing, try being your own Collaborator. Take a moment and ask yourself:

• What just happened here? What did I say and do in front of my child? What message do I think he got from me?
• Why did I send that message? Why did that seem so important to me just then?
• How do I want to proceed from here? What do I want to communicate in the next 30 minutes? How do I want to handle myself the next time something like this comes up?

At the end of the day, Partnering is better for raising adults than Bossing. When I Partner, my kid becomes a participant, not just an observer. I want that. When I Partner, my child learns new skills that prepare her for the future. I want that too. When I Partner, I free up time to focus on other important things—like how I’m really doing in life. 

Okay, I’m not sure I want that. But it’s what I need. The truth is, one reason I get Bossy about details that really matter only to me—elevating a simple task to the level of national security—is to divert myself (and everyone around me, I hope) from the reality of where I truly am compared to where it seems plain I need to be.

Now that I think of it, I really don’t care for this line of reasoning. I’ll forget about Partnering if you will.

— from Raising Adults

bossing v partnering [part i] | a small idea from Raising Adults

Nobody likes to be around Bossy people. Bosses know everything; which is way too much. Whatever it is, they know how to do it—better than anyone else. They’re impatient with those who do things differently.

Bosses can be a big pain in the behind.

No, give me that towel! You’re not folding it right. This family has folded towels the same way for six generations: in thirds the short way, then in thirds the long way. How could you not know that? 

Note that How could you not know that? is in the form of a question. But there’s nothing sincere about it. Can you see anything in the context of this exchange that would make the kid believe his parent was an Explorer and not just pushy Boss? 

No, don’t turn here, this is the long way! Just pay attention; I’ll show you how to get there. 

The kid thinks: “Why don’t I just let you drive? In fact, let me out; I’ll catch the next bus.”

That’s not the way to load a dishwasher. You can get more in if you ... Oh, just give me the plate.

OK.

Truly: Does anyone really believe this is the path to raising an adult?

Seriously... If you’ve been Bossing, please give it rest. Humankind will thank you. I promise.

— from Raising Adults

in the wind | tweets from the week ending 10.19.13

Am I pretty or ugly? Online trolls + creepers respond to someone they think is 15 years old 
http://bit.ly/16ZMxyZ

Common Sense Media takes a swing at parents' top 10 questions about cyber-bullying 
http://bit.ly/1bVaUQr 

fixing v. collaborating [part iii] | a small idea from Raising Adults http://jimhancock.blogspot.com

Lemony Snicket, still at it again http://bit.ly/1aTT7E6 

Computerworld | Facebook loosens its rules on teen privacy http://bit.ly/1c2TvW6