fixing v. collaborating [part i] | a small idea from Raising Adults

The line between actions and consequences is severely blurred for most kids because, by and large, they don’t understand the general principle of cause and effect.

They don’t understand cause and effect because the adults in their lives constantly come behind them to fix things when they screw up.

This problem is complicated by idle threats and equally idle promises. 

If you’re a good boy at the store (whatever that means), I’ll buy you a treat, is a promise that’s easily lost in the excuse: It’s too close to dinner; you’ll spoil your appetite.

Not fair! Sure, we have to be concerned for a kid’s nutritional well-being...so we’d better take care to not make idle promises in exchange for compliant behavior.

All right, that’s it! One more word out of you and we’re going straight home!

Really? You’re going to load everybody back onto the bus and go straight home? I’m not saying you shouldn’t do exactly that if it fits the situation. But please don’t threaten to do it if you know you can’t live with the consequences of following through. 

If I say: Stop nagging! You kids are killing me! I should have the decency to die the next time one of them nags. Otherwise, it’s just an idle promise. 

More to the point is the fact that, not wanting our kids to experience pain, many of us are quick rescue them from the consequences of their failures and wrongdoing. 

When they’re young we easily replace a toy carelessly lost or broken in anger and shield children from the cost of their actions. Time passes and we drop what we’re doing to deliver an item thoughtlessly left behind so a middle-schooler won’t suffer a loss of prestige or miss a meal or fail to turn in a paper on time. Still later, we cover a negligently overdrawn checking account or pay a traffic ticket and insurance increase resulting from a moving violation, or foot the bill for whatever we believe will rescue our little knucklehead from a ruined life. 

And they resent us for it. Maybe not in the moment, but soon, and forever until we make it right.

— from Raising Adults